My Quest

So I’m having another one of those days where I question everything.

I question my quest.

My existence.

Why bother trying to do anything when nothing matters anymore?

Part of me believes so deeply that this art stories project matters so much, and that it’s bigger than me, and that it’s the key to something…

I don’t know.

And if it’s not necessarily something that matters for the world or, or if it’s not something that can help other people, I thought that maybe it could help me

Maybe finishing this project helps me activate my self and my gifts, and it helps me see who I really am or what I’m capable of.

But the problem is, most of what I’ve done, I don’t love.

I’m not proud of it.

There’s so many mistakes and in order to be free to reveal the project I have to fix those mistakes.

Don’t I?

And I find it exhausting and I don’t want to do it.

And so the about me project is where I’m at right now and putting that together, and I have a huge resistance around this.

I don’t know why exactly.

It could have something to do with facing a part of myself that I don’t want to face.

Maybe it has something to do with exposing a part of myself that I’ve kept secret.

The question then is how much of myself do I need to expose and why am I doing this?

Like, why?

Why is this project so important?

Specifically the about me side of it.

I feel like it is just as important as about her and about us, so it’s like I have to go all the way. Sometimes I wonder if I’m looking at it in the wrong way.

What if all the stories that are part of about us is actually about me?

I could set it up that way, but it doesn’t feel right.

Like if I thought it was three parts, in fact, I think it’s four, but we’re not quite there yet, so I’ve, I’ve made peace with it just being three parts: about me, about her, about us.

Which I think reflects the me, myself and I concept.

Ultimately these different projects highlight different versions of myself and different lessons and stuff like that.

So anyway, I just feel a huge resistance today and I don’t know what it is.

I don’t know why it’s there.

Maybe it’s just the same thing that happens every time I get close to finishing something or having a breakthrough.

It’s like, somebody inside of me stops me, and I think that the version that’s stopping me is the version of myself that will die if I take the next step.

So it’s like, right now I am being a certain way.

I have certain thoughts and beliefs about myself, etc.

But this project is helping me shed the layers of myself that are blocking me off.

Shedding the layers of myself, that I’ve been keeping a secret for fear… fears of being rejected, not being good enough, not being accepted.

All of these fears are what have made me sick.

And kept me in this prison of pain and have kept me in feelings of shame and doubt and worry and not being able to fulfill my mission.

My quest to be the artists that I am.

And thus, that’s why this project in many ways is so important to me because it’s my framework for healing.

By doing this and exposing myselves and expressing myself helps me remove these fears.

It’s like, okay, well, I’m not hiding anymore.

And when I can’t hide, then the version of myself that was hiding well, she dies.

And in that death, I find myself feeling more alive.

More aligned.

More of who I really am because the fears aren’t there anymore,

But to get to that step, to do that letting go and that shedding and then the becoming.

Cause there’s, there’s this process that happens every time you go through these transformations and this healing.

A part of, you dies.

A part of you that, that no longer serves you because you did the work to let it go or to heal.

And if you heal, you let go, thus it dies.

And then in that dying process, you feel very sad for a while.

You have to grieve the loss of yourselves… Whoever died.

You have to grieve that loss and accept that you can’t be that way anymore because it’s gone.

And I think that in many ways is what stops us from going all the way and doing the work, because we don’t want to go through that death.

You don’t want to go through that loss and then feeling dead and alone.

And then, and then having to do the work to become who you really are.

Like to learn about who you are without that version of yourself, without that fear there anymore. Then you have to be like, okay, well, who am I then without this fear?

Who am I, now that I know more of who I am.

It’s so hard.

I guess maybe the challenge I’m having right now, and perhaps have always had, as I pursue this quest is: who am I becoming?

How do I be more of that version of myself?

How do I get to where I’m going faster?

I’ve been feeling this feeling of death for so long.

Feeling like I’m not even alive anymore.

And it feels so… lonely.

And I just don’t know if any of this is worth it.

Like, I don’t know if this project is going to amount to anything.

I don’t even know if I want to do it anymore.

I don’t know if I can sustain it when it’s done.

I don’t know if I want to sustain it when it’s done.

And I don’t know if I feel this way because of a fear or if I feel this way because I’ve out grown this project.

Maybe as I’ve shed the layers of myself and have transformed into someone else, maybe the art stories project isn’t what I want to do.

And if that’s the case then was all my work for nothing?

And if that’s the case, what do I do instead?

Part of me feels like Artist Sarah Long, or what makes me Artist Sarah Long is the art stories project.

Like if it wasn’t for that, who am I?

What am I am?

I’m an alcohol ink artist.

I’m proud of that and I love being that.

But again, again, my resistance is that I’m not good enough.

No one’s going to buy my art.

My prices are too high.

My prices are too low.

I literally go back and forth.

I can’t tell you how many fucking times I’ve changed the pricing of my art and I haven’t even tried to sell any.

I just keep hiding and I keep procrastinating and I keep myself stuck in this perpetual loop of trying to figure myself out and bring myself together and put this project in place so that I can be who I am.

And yet here I am still trying to be who I am.

And I’m just like, maybe I need to stop trying to be who I am.

Be no one again.

Go back to how I was.

But the problem with that is, I don’t even know who that is anymore, you know?

Like I’m so not who I used to be, so I can’t undo what I know.

But it’s like the more I learn about myself and the more I learn about love and spirituality and law of attraction and energy, and, the truth about this world and stuff… the less I know.

The more overwhelmed I feel.

And I don’t know how to be, I guess.

Maybe that’s the problem.

That I don’t know how to be here.

I don’t know how to be who I was, because that’s not who I am anymore, and I don’t know how to be who I’ve become, because I don’t know how to fit in, or I don’t know where I belong.

I’m still, I think, a bit stuck in the traumas that have happened.

And to be honest, I think in a way that is what is stopping me from coming full circle or, understanding the about me project, because there’s things about me, there’s things about my story and the things that have happened in the recent past, that have that I’m still involved with.

And because of that, I still have a lot of fear and shame and insecurities and doubts, and I don’t know how to get out of it.

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

And I’m not sure how to find out what I don’t know.

And the work that I have to do to bring this project together, I mean, it’s slow and tedious, and I don’t want to do that either.

All that being said, if I can push through this resistance that I’m facing right now.

The fear of going to the next step.

The fear of whatever…

I don’t even know exactly what the fear is specifically.

The fear of exposing myself.

The fear of being seen, all that stuff, I guess that’s what it is.

But if I can bring this together and push through this fear, I get another step closer, another step closer to bringing this project full circle.

And even though, even though I don’t know if I want to do it…

If I can finish it, is it something that I want to do for forever?

I don’t know.

And is it something I can sustain or want to sustain?

I don’t know, but I guess ultimately in my heart, I feel like I have to at least bring it together, full circle.

Like what I’ve done so far, my intentions have been to create a foundation.

To create a framework.

A framework for creativity.

A framework for self-healing.

A framework for self-mastery.

A framework for art and edutainment.

So the project itself is a lot of things under one umbrella kind of thing.

And so I just had this vision in my heart that if I could build the foundation, regardless of if I keep going or not, at least I can say I finished something.

And even though I don’t love all of the stories, and even though there’s a lot of mistakes and things that I should fix, whether I do or not.

Even though all that is there, at least I did it, ya know?

Because if I don’t finish this, I have nothing to show for what I’ve been doing the last five years as I’ve pursued this quest.

And I think that is worse than finishing and not continuing, you know what I mean?

Some things, we can’t finish.

Some things we literally get forced off of the path and we have no choice, but to let it go.

And that can be hard, but if you can’t go back to what you started, for whatever reason, then obviously it’s a blessing in disguise, because rejection is always God’s protection.

But I have not been pushed off this path.

I still have the opportunity to finish.

I still have the time I still have the resources.

All I’m missing is my belief in it and my passion for it, and my love for it.

And thus, it’s really hard to have those things when fear is there telling you, you don’t have enough time, you don’t have this, or it’s not going to be worth it.

It’s it’s not good enough.

Look at all these things you need to do to fix it…

Like this fear and this monster talk is the thing that stops me from flowing.

But I imagine a day where it’s like, oh no, I beat you.

I beat you.

I didn’t listen to you.

And every time you tried to get me to stop, I kept going.

And so, I mean, I guess it comes down to this, you know, I know what happens if I stop now.

I know, I know where I go if I stop now.

And that doesn’t seem very fun.

But what I don’t know is what happens if I keep going?

What happens if I finish?

What happens if I just keep chipping away?

Faith and trust…

What happens if I give this project 110% faith and trust.

That it has a far better outcome than what I can even imagine.

A far better outcome than quitting before I finished, you know?

So obviously I’m going to finish it, unless I get pushed off the path.

Like, unless I can’t finish it.

But I’m, I’m going to finish, but I guess I’m just letting you know that, um, it’s really hard right now and I’m having another moment of despair and doubt.

And I’ve been working at the bread box for about three months now, actually four.

And it’s served its purpose for sure.

But now where I stand and what I feel like I need to do in order to bring this project together, I don’t think that working at the breadbox is for my highest and best because it’s causing me to lose a lot of my energy.

And so like, I want to bring this together this week…

I know I say that every week.

I say it every week, but this week I feel like there’s so much potential to finish.

And so it’s like, I can give my energy to that.

But the return on investment is not worth it.

So what happens if I give my energy and condense it into this project this week and finish it?

And then the next week I have this huge relief.

This freedom within myself that I have not had for five plus years or my entire life…

It feels like my entire life I’ve been preparing for this moment.

This moment to birth something great...

Or, well, let’s not get too ahead of ourselves, maybe it’s not great..

But maybe it’s great for me.

Maybe it’s something that I needed to do to get to the next step and really be who I came to be.

Like, I still don’t know what that means.

I still don’t know if this project is worth it, but I feel like I need to find out.

I need to find out.

I need to finish.

I need the foundation to be done so that I can decide and discern how to move forward because I need to move forward.

I can’t stay at the bread box forever.

And so the question I have to ask myself is, where is my time and energy best invested in?

What gives me the most return on investment.

And, it’s sometimes a very hard thing to answer, especially if we look at it logically versus emotionally, right?

And that’s the biggest thing I’m trying to master, is understanding the difference between what my, my fear tells me to do.

My logical mind who lives very much in a state of fear.

Or my emotions.

My heart, who wants to live in a state of love and fun, and joy and abundance.

And so, based on what I’ve learned…

Love and following your heart has the best return on investment.

That’s what gets us to a higher vibrational place.

That’s what gets us to the extraordinary life, but it’s a tricky path to take because that’s not necessarily how the world operates.

This 3D reality that we live in doesn’t act from a place of love so when you start doing that, it can be scary.

It’s like, is this gonna work?

Is this the right thing to do?

And logically it’s usually not because logic is different than emotion.

Fear is different than love.

It’s hard for me to describe that because logic isn’t always based on fear, but sometimes it is.

So when you raise your vibration your logical mind works with your heart and together you, you find the best path of least resistance.

But until you can integrate those two, or until you remove the fears, it’s often like you’re going through a forest in the dark.

Hoping you’re taking the right steps.

And thus, faith and trust is really the glue that you have to rely on.

The question is, is faith and trust strong enough glue to get you through the dark?

Is it strong enough glue to get you to where you want to be?

So anyway I feel this deep sense of, um, I dunno, I guess it’s just resistance.

Like, I feel like I’m not supposed to do the bread box anymore, but logically or my fear says, yeah, but are you sure about that?

Are you sure because if you do that, then you might be giving up an opportunity that you need.

And then I, and then my heart says, yeah, but we’ve been doing this for four months and it served its purpose, but now we have to take the next step and we can’t take the next step if we’re giving our power away to that.

And then my monster says, yeah, but you’re never going to take the next step because you never do, because we’re never going to make it because we’re not good enough.

Remember all the things that you do to sabotage yourself?

And then my heart says, yeah, but you’re the one that’s sabotaging me.

You’re sabotaging me because you doubt me.

You sabotaged me because you don’t want to do the work because you don’t think it’s worth.

And then my heart says, I think it’s worth it.

I wouldn’t have gone down this path for so long if it wasn’t worth it.

And then my fear, my monster says, yeah, it might be worth it, but then we have to be seen and we have to face the rejection and the criticism and this and that.

And my heart says, you don’t know for sure.

And even if we do, who cares.

Who cares what other people think.

This isn’t about them.

It’s about us, and we are magnificent.

And thus, it’s up to me to decide who I listened to right?

But ultimately the art of self-mastery is learning to master your emotions.

Recognizing how you feel.

And be willing to see yourself through the eyes of love.

Self love.

And way we do that is by recognizing what it is our heart truly wants and honoring that, and then being willing to do whatever it takes to give that to yourself.

To create the environment, the life that you’re heart wants.

And so many people want to put themselves in boxes and listened to the monster and believe that what they want isn’t true.

So many people are living in their past traumas and in their setbacks and they don’t even realize it.

Much like myself, like, I didn’t know, but I’m so aware now, of why things happened the way they did.

I’m aware of why I am, where I am.

And even though I don’t love it and I’m not satisfied, like I am so intentionally involved in trying to create an extraordinary life, getting to the next step and becoming rich ultimately.

My quest is to be rich.

Rich is health.

Rich in wealth.

Rich in Love.

And I had to make that my quest, because if you don’t then what?

Like you just have to decide either you’re shooting for the best, or you’re going to shoot for less, because what you shoot for is, is often what you get.

That doesn’t mean the path is easy either way.

Either way it takes work.

It takes effort.

But the kind of work you have to invest is different.

To get the best…

To become rich.

It’s a whole different ball game.

To get less… well, we all know what that’s like.

That’s kind of the reality we’ve all been living.

This imbalanced society and life we’ve all been indoctrinated to accept.

But I’m not accepting it.

And so ultimately one of the biggest battles is ourselves, and thus the work is everything.

In order to win, we must conquer the monster within, and then activate the artist and allow the artist to come through and really embrace that side of you.

So we still don’t know if what I’m doing actually works.

We still don’t know if we really can turn our lives completely upside down and go from the dark to the light.

But at this point I have nothing to really lose, but time and energy and trying, right?

And that’s really all we have.

If we have time and energy and we’re being supported spiritually, might as well go all the way.

If I can prove it.

If I can create this extraordinary rich life that I’ve been dreaming of, then anybody can do it.

And if I can convince you and teach you what I did, and you can do it for yourself, whoever you are, then we might just change the momentum of this planet, and in the way we do life.

So, anyway, I don’t know.

I think I have to not do the breadbox for awhile or at least this week, and this is a hard decision for me to make.

But again, it comes down to faith and trust.

And when you have an emotion or a thought that that feels very invasive and nagging it’s for a reason, I think.

It’s for a reason and it’s so easy to dismiss it.

It’s so easy to let the monster make your decisions.

But I learned the hard way that the monster will take you down paths that are not for your highest and best because the monster doesn’t want the highest and best.

The monster likes what it knows, even if it makes you miserable.

Anyway, I will wrap this up.

I would really appreciate it, if you could give me any kind of guidance or support through these challenging times, because I need all the help I can get.